“You don’t have to be crazy to be in love.” – Alfred Adler
We all want a great love story. We want to fall in love with someone who will complete us, so we’ll try anything to find this person. We want to make them happy because it feels good when they are.
But sometimes, we just aren’t feeling it. Maybe you met this guy or girl at a party, and things seemed OK, but nothing clicked. Or perhaps you found a partner on an online dating site, who was precisely what you needed, but then you got to know them better and realized they weren’t quite right for you after all.
Or maybe you can’t get past some of their habits, like their habit of being late for everything. It happens. Sometimes, there’s something out there that you don’t click with. Even if you think it’s perfect for you, it may not be.
Here’s why. We’re all unique creatures with distinct personalities and ways of looking at the world. Our partners also go through their own experiences when we’re in a relationship. They’ve had their relationships; people in the past have hurt them, made mistakes, and experienced loss (and perhaps gained more than once).
There’s no way to perfectly match everyone else’s experience with yours, so we try to fit ourselves into each other’s shoes, which is exhausting and frustrating. It’s hard to see your flaws in another person, alone theirs.
When we’re in a relationship, we often see those things about our partners that we don’t like as a challenge to the relationship. So we either try to fix them or leave them as they are. This is where the problems start.
What makes a relationship successful isn’t the chemistry between two people. Chemistry is only part of the equation. The rest lies within the individual’s mind, and it can be tricky to figure out what’s “right” for you. One reason many relationships fail is that people don’t understand themselves well enough to identify what they need from others.
So instead of getting the right partner, they settle for someone who doesn’t completely meet their needs. This is why many people stay in unsatisfying long-term relationships. It might seem like an easy answer, but it’s tough to identify your needs and communicate them to your partner. There’s also a lot of pressure on the individuals involved.
People expect their partners to read their minds, and when they fail, they blame the other person for not knowing them well enough. This is another reason many relationships fail – expectations get out of hand. If you’re not sure whether you’re compatible, there’s a good chance that you’re both expecting things from each other that aren’t realistic.
When this happens, it’s easy for misunderstandings to occur, and the whole thing starts to unravel.
Relationships Are Not A Game, And You Can’t Play It Like One.
If you think you need to play the game of relationships and get over whatever issues you have, you’re wrong. Relationships are not a game. They’re not a competition to win. They’re not about scoring points. They’re not about manipulating others to win them over.
They’re about finding a partner who complements you on every level so you can enjoy life together. That’s it. If you can’t manage that, you should probably end the relationship. And, even though I’m saying this, you won’t always succeed.
No matter how much effort you put into it, you will sometimes mess up – and that’s OK. Just remember that it’s never personal. You didn’t do anything wrong, and your partner did not do anything wrong. It’s just that your relationship is different than theirs. You’re unique.
So, when your relationship goes south, stop blaming yourself for what happened. Blame your partner instead. They made a mistake. You were beside them, and you didn’t point it out sooner. You may even be surprised to learn that you’re often more capable of solving problems than you think.
That said, here are some tips to help you avoid these types of conflicts in the future:
Let’s talk about the science of relationships.
Love Is Never Simple, But Always Intense
A lot of people believe that love is simple. After all, we all know someone who fell deeply in love at first sight. Or, we know someone whose love went away after a couple of years. Or, we know someone whose love died after seven years of marriage. These stories may sound romantic, but they’re not what is commonly considered to be true love. True love takes time, commitment, and patience. It’s not a switch.
Love isn’t something that happens overnight. It’s not something that’s easily explained. It’s not something that’s easily defined. It’s not something that everyone understands. True love is complicated. It requires a deep understanding of yourself and your partner and an ability to communicate your feelings and desires to each other.
It requires empathy, compassion, and communication. All of these things take time to develop. But the good news is that it is possible to develop these skills. As I said, it’s not easy, but it’s possible. Here’s how:
Emotional Intelligence Makes All The Difference In Love
Many people believe that emotional intelligence is the key to relationships. There are several reasons for this belief. For example, if you’re in a relationship and you notice that your partner is having a bad day, you might wonder how you can cheer them up.
However, if you’re emotionally intelligent, you realize this isn’t what your partner wants. Instead, they want you to be supportive. Your partner wants to be cheered up, and your job is to do that. If you’re emotionally intelligent, you’ll recognize this and do what’s necessary to make your partner feel better.
If you’re not emotionally intelligent, however, you may not realize this and make the opposite choice. This is problematic because it’s not about making your partner feel better. It’s about making YOU feel better, and this is something you’ll have to do for yourself.
If you’re in a relationship where you lack emotional intelligence, you’re likely to: make excuses and blame your partner for things you did. For example, if you notice that your partner is always late for everything, you might tell them they’re irresponsible.
If they ask why they’re always late, you might say you’re tired of waiting for them. If they tell you they’re late because they lost track of time, you might respond by telling them that they’re stupid.
Argue over little things. For example, if you notice that your partner doesn’t like doing chores, you might say that they’re lazy. If they disagree, you might say they’re just spoiled.
If you’re not emotionally intelligent, you may be offended when your partner criticizes you. This causes you to defend yourself. You may become angry and lash out at them verbally or physically. Again, this is not what your partner wants, and it’s not healthy for the relationship. Instead, you need to listen to them and show them that you hear them.
If you’re not emotionally intelligent, you might do something similar to this:
Try to solve problems without talking to each other. If you’re not emotionally intelligent, you may